styles245 (@styles245) • Hey
styles245 (@styles245) • Hey
Publications
- The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
- When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
- There is no April 1st in Chuck Norris' calendar, because no one can fool him.
- Chuck Norris doesn't bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.
- In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
- Chuck Norris understands every definition in the Oxford Thesaurus, except one - "mercy".
- When Chuck Norris break the build, you can't fix it, because there is not a single line of code left.
- Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle - you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
- Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
- "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.
- Once Chuck Norris and Superman had a competition. The loser had to wear his underwear over his pants.
- When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon.
- Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need to use AJAX because pages are too afraid to postback anyways.
- Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.
- Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.
- Chuck Norris can watch the radio.
- Chuck Norris programs do not accept input.
- Chuck Norris doesn't age, because time cannot keep up with him.
- One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
- Chuck Norris doesn't use a computer because a computer does everything slower than Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
- Chuck Norris's keyboard has the Any key.
- Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
- When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
- Chuck Norris hosting is 101% uptime guaranteed.
- When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
- Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
- Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
- Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
- Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
- When Chuck Norris throws exceptions, it's across the room.
- Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
- Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
- Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
- Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
- Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
- Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
- Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
- Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
- Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird.
- As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
- If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.
- Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
- Chuck Norris doesn't have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.
- Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
- Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
- With Chuck Norris P = NP. There's no nondeterminism with Chuck Norris decisions.
- Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.