haywood825 (@haywood825) • Hey
haywood825 (@haywood825) • Hey
Publications
- Chuck Norris doesn't turn on his faucet, he stares at it until it cries.
- Chuck Norris can binary search unsorted data.
- Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
- Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
- Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
- Chuck Norris' Internet connection is faster upstream than downstream because even data has more incentive to run from him than to him.
- Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
- The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
- If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
- Chuck Norris doesn't use a computer because a computer does everything slower than Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need an account. He just logs in.
- Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick).
- Once death had a near Chuck Norris experience.
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always answers "Two seconds till". After you ask "Two seconds to what?", he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
- Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.
- Chuck Norris is actually the front man for Apple. He let's Steve Jobs run the show when he's on a mission. Chuck Norris is always on a mission.
- MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
- The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
- In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
- Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
- How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.
- Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.
- One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
- Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
- Chuck Norris plays pool with comets and astroids. He shoots them into black holes.