barker908 (@barker908) • Hey
barker908 (@barker908) • Hey
Publications
- Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
- When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
- Chuck Norris protocol design method has no status, requests or responses, only commands.
- Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
- Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
- There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
- Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always answers "Two seconds till". After you ask "Two seconds to what?", he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
- In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
- Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
- Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don?t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
- It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
- There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
- Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.
- When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
- Whiteboards are white because Chuck Norris scared them that way.
- Once Chuck Norris and Superman had a competition. The loser had to wear his underwear over his pants.
- Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
- No statement can catch the ChuckNorrisException.
- Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
- Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.
- Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
- They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
- Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.