bancroft453 (@bancroft453) • Hey
bancroft453 (@bancroft453) • Hey
Publications
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
- If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
- Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
- Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
- Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
- Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
- Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
- In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
- CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
- 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
- Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- Chuck Norris? roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
- Chuck Norris programs do not accept input.
- Chuck Norris doesn't use Oracle, he is the Oracle.
- Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
- Chuck Norris' unit tests don't run. They die.
- Chuck Norris does not need a watch, he decides what time it is.
- If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
- Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
- Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
- Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
- The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
- Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.