akerman553 (@akerman553) • Hey
akerman553 (@akerman553) • Hey
Publications
- How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse kick you in the face.
- Chuck Norris's database has only one table, 'Kick', which he DROPs frequently.
- Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
- They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
- Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
- Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
- If Chuck Norris writes code with bugs, the bugs fix themselves.
- Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
- Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
- Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
- Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
- Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
- Chuck Norris can compile syntax errors.
- Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
- Bill Gates thinks he's Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris actually laughed. Once.
- The only pattern Chuck Norris knows is God Object.
- Chuck Norris compresses his files by doing a flying round house kick to the hard drive.
- Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
- While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
- If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
- Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
- Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.
- Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
- Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
- If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
- China lets Chuck Norris search for porn on Google.